Sunday, June 19, 2011

Of Appraisals & More...!!!!

And here comes finally the part of being in an office that soothes you to the core.....the appraisal.....i mean if you rule out the girls, the coffee machine and the free stationery ..... and in fact if you're not the kinda guy who gets happy only by seeing a girl in a short tight top(on Friday's) then you rule out the first option as well. # I'm not that kinda....I'm a compromising guy.....I find happiness in small things...."not physically small things"...but metaphorically small things you know :P.

anyways, apart from the short term happiness that office girls and coffee machine and measly monthly salary gives you, there is another thing that you wait for the whole year-----> Annual Appraisal.

Though considering my performance during the last year I should have been banned in IT industry but again considering the photocopy skills that I had and high requirement of such skills in IT industry, I was held in high esteem there.On top of that where would they find such a responsible employee who keeps checking whether the coffee machine is working fine or not every 30 mins and report to admin the problems if any.

So, coming to the topic, an year was past and I got a mail from the HR dept with the subject "Appraisal Time" that brought a 2 to 11 smile over my face and the attached Rating sheets brought them back to 5 to 7.

Now as you all know I'm a friendly kinda guy (# at mean times) so I had a very good repo with my manager and he used to give me updates regarding my performance regularly on personal basis.
and believe you me guys I thought it was better if I could find another manager to rate me considering those updates. :P

So, I sent a meeting request to my manager from 3:00 to 4:00 in hanging garden with the subject line "Personal Talk" .....god how could I think of such nonsensical subject line.
anyways I got a reply in another 2 mins with the status "Declined". I opened it. It said "Busy in another meeting. Propose new time.".
After a long stroll of proposals and replies we settled at 6:00-6:15. what the hell would I explain in 15 mins? "saala ho liya discussion"

#6:00 P.M-- I enter the room

May I come in sir.

yes Kunal, what's up?

Sir, all the servers are up. #tried to joke..didn't worked.

what do you wanted to discuss? and for god's sake think of a meaningful subject line from next time.

sir, I want you to move me to another project.

Why? Is the coffee machine not working on our floor?

No sir,

Report to admin then.

I mean the coffee machine is working fine but that's not the reason.

Then is the stationery not coming in properly?

I am not hungry for free stationery sir. # it was a white lie.

You want new chair? with more reclining angle?


Then what? we can get you a new 21" TFT screen as compared to your 19" monitor.

Make it 27" and it's a deal. # Was Not Possible.he himself has a 24" TFT.

# I tell you these managers are trained with a flowchart in their head, what action to take in which condition.
anyways....the meeting turned out to be a waste and I came out of the room empty handed, head hanging.

After a few days I sat to fill up my Rating form and very confidently ...uhh...rather over confidently gave myself a perfect 5 in every point I could see in that form.

#after a few days

"Kunal, Wake up"......."Kunal, Wake up" .......I woke up and saw my manger saying those words.
I picked my head from the table and replied “have you noticed the sound coming from this table when you put your ear on it?”

#Life saved.

#After Some more days

While I was trying hard not to sleep during office hours ........ by indulging myself into chatting on outlook with the dumb girl across the cubicle, I get a meeting request from the manager with subject line "Appraisal Rating discussion Meeting". Without wasting a minute I hit the accept button. # God, he must have known by now how desperate I was.

~ I enter in.

Hey Kunal, Come in. So Appraisal Time haan?

hehe....yes sir. # my all new stupid face.

Hmmm.....I see you completing 9 hours from last 3 days.

No sir....actually.....uhhhhh... # Self Rating minus 1

Anyways....hows everything going in Project?

Everything is fine sir.

Is Facebook Working?

yes sir....I mean no sir.......sir....means....firewall...uhhh...proxy...# Leave it...Self Rating minus 1.5

OK Leave it. Lets have a look at your form.
You have rated yourself a 5 in Pro activeness.

Yes sir, I've always been Active in any kinda work given to me.

Hmmm.....Why were you sleeping that day? # where did that came in from in b/w?

That day?? ohh...sir....weakness....Probably I should Stop donating blood Every Week.

You should Probably keep a note of every excuse you make and keep revising it on a regular basis.......otherwise you would land up in a problem soon. # Self Rating minus 2

sir...........# dead silence.

Extra Curricular activities you have given 5. # a look demanding an explanation.

Sir, as you know I have participated in every event that has been organized in our building like quizzes, debates, Dramatics, won in one also. which was that one?.# god, kill me...I failed miserably in each one of those.'t....

Ohh You didn't? Never mind.
I told you to be Santa Claus on Christmas, you denied.# please kill me god please. # Self rating minus 2.5

Sir I was on leave on that day.# case closed # Self rating + 0.5 .. ohh yeah

Okay... let me see the other sheet. you give yourself again a handsome 5 in Behaviour. ohh that reminds me, there was a complaint against you.You argued with Manju. she is your senior, how could you do that?

Sir, she pulls my leg in front of everyone.


She says I am Tall, Dark and handsome in front of everyone.

Is that how she pulls your leg?

In Continuation to above she says "I am tall..........and I might look handsome when it's Dark" # Self Esteem = 22 yrs of hard work + Manju's dialogue + telling it myself= 0

hahahaha......good one good one. # go give a high five to manju then.huh!
but you should not have argued, she is your senior. # senior my foot.# Self rating - 2.5 again.

yes sir.

# P.S- though from the name it might sound Manju is a B grade movie actress but frankly speaking she is so hot that she could give adrenalin rush to a 80 year old and only I knew I was putting my feet on Axe while arguing with her. # Chances of talking to her ever again = -3.14*10^56 # weird statistics

Kunal, I see a lot of gap still there. you I gave this module to Abhimanyu and he has promised he would complete it by next week. I gave a module to you and leave me, in fact I think you also have forgot about that.

Sir, I am working on that module and as far as completing it by next week is concerned .......I don't want to write cheques I might not be able to cash. # dialogue in the post so far + head held high + (Self rating + 1).

but still, you are not there. # and all the ratings were deducted to a bare minimum.
# Now that's why I tell you to pay attention while reading. you'll have to go up now to calculate how much I got.

# I so strongly wanted to reject it, and gathered all the courage to say so.

With due respect sir, I would like to say that......

With no due respect kunal, That is all that I could give you. thanks, you can go.

And again a hanging head came out of the room.

#a team mate jumped over me "kitni mili kitni mili?"

"ye le......chaat le isse" throwed the sheet onto his desk.

They say life rewinds and plays in front of you on your deathbed. I'm sure my record would stop at this point and I'll slap myself 10 times before moving ahead.


  1. Hahhahaha another Corporate funny scenario!I like it but that special 'K' factor is missing. Girls, coffee machine and those creative excuses specially the blood donation one...great observation dude! and "I don't want to write cheques I might not be able to cash" dialog ladke :P Applause to that. You are not such a bad writer as u claim to be, you just need to get in the flow and then i am sure you would do great wonders :)

    PS-Dumb girls across the cubicle 'eyebrows raised'!

  2. A naiccee read Kunal :) good to see what i could have witnessed, had i been there in birlasoft or someplace else, for that matter.
    one query: tum kaam bhi karte ho ya extracurricular activities keep u busy :P
    Rest keep up the good work kabhi toh 5 milega a joke..
    keep posting :)

  3. Good one bro! Reminds of several
    Other scenario. "New bandi on floor" being one. "Manager kal parso chutti pe h ! Plan bnao koi" another. Do keep writing such stuff.